Translating Double Dutch into Engrish (1)

After more than two decades of speaking fluent English I still get caught out using the occasional inappropriately incorrect word. This can make for some excellent entertainment at my expense. Fortunately there are plenty more non-English people that have made dicks out of themselves. This makes me feel better, so I thought I’d share.

It’s only a letter (or two)
In the Netherlands foreign TV programs are subtitled which is a great way to learn a language. However, when hearing words that sound similar, it is quite important to distinguish the difference.

In my earlier English speaking days I accused someone of being a Pacific bastard. He was not at all offended. Puzzled, yes. Offended? No. I should have read Alexis’ lips more thoroughly when she called Blake pathetic in ‘Dynasty’. Consequently, for years I was under the impression that ‘the Love Boat’ was named after a pitiable princess (the Pacific Princess).

I’ve also thought for years that “the bold and the beautiful” meant “the people without hair and the good looking people”.

I was hobbling around with a crutch after an operation, when someone asked how it was going. “Not too bad”, I said. “Though I just found out I’ve had my crotch on the wrong side the entire time since my operation!” Lucky I realised my mistake as soon as I said it so I could correct myself, before anyone started spreading the rumour that I’ve had a sex change and now carry a dick on my arse.

Last week I told my friend that I don’t ever want to become a lonely 50-something year old sphincter. Even though I don’t consider myself an arsehole and I don’t strive to become one at 50, spinster would probably have been a better definition of what I was getting at.

I have described my mother to people as a “freak of nature.” I meant she loves nature, not that she has got two heads.

One of my colleagues has a German girlfriend who sighed she was knocked up. Really? He said, his mind going a million miles per minute. Turns out the reason she was so casual about it was she muddled up the meaning knocked up and knackered. PHEW!

Another colleague’s Asian friend went to the bakery and asked for fellatio bread.

Englishish
My friend Esther and her family moved from the Netherlands to New Zealand when Esther was eight. Her parents, both Dutch, had decided that from now on they would only ever speak English to each other. The fact that their English was far from great didn’t matter. They resolved that problem by literally translating words and expressions they didn’t know. As long as it sounded English-ish, that was good enough. The problem was they expected everyone else to understand too.

One time her parents had to go to a party, mum was getting ready and was all dressed up. Dad was impatiently waiting by the car. When she finally came out of the house, dad looked at her, dropped his jaw and exclaimed: “o my, you look like a cow dressed up like a little sheep!” She gratefully accepted the compliment, all smiles, neither of them realising that what he was meant to say (a mutton dressed as a lamb) is not exactly a compliment.

He has also gone to a shop once asking for bastard sugar (icing sugar) and another famous exclamation of his is “ooooo, now the monkey comes out of the sleeve.” In English you’d say “now the cat comes out of the bag” but I’m unsure whether anyone ever made that connection, other than his cringing kids.

Right word, wrong language
Esther’s aunty came over and wanted to buy a cot. She didn’t know the English word for cot so used the Dutch word instead. The Dutch word for cot is ledikant which is pronounced lady cunt. Can you feel where this is going? “Yes, I am looking for a lady cunt. Do you have a lady cunt? I want a lady cunt!” Suppose I don’t particularly like a gentleman cunt either.

Similar thing happened to a Dutch lady’s friend that came over for a holiday. They went to a busy restaurant in Rotorua where she ordered some lemonade. Limonade is what she was actually after, which is the Dutch word for cordial. To make sure she would get her cordial, not the fizzy lemonade as we know it here, she shouted out to the waiter as he walked away: “NO PRICK IN MY LEMONADE,PLEASE, I DON’T WANT ANY PRICK IN IT!” (prik being Dutch for fizz).

Even professionals that should know better use certain sayings in the wrong circumstances. There is a very popular singer named Anouk; she’s world famous in the Netherlands. She sings in English and has a beautiful love song called “Lost”, in which she adoringly describes how fantastic someone is. “I get lost in your eyes” she sings, accompanied by a weeping guitar melody. This is then lovingly followed by: “your voice makes my skin crawl.” Poor bugger has probably taken a vow of silence and slit his vocal cords to be on the safe side.

Set up
There’s nothing better than taking advantage of people who are trying to learn a new language. The funniest situation that springs to my mind is when I was living in Australia, and was going out with a local guy by the name of James ( AKA Sock Guy but that’s another story).

He wanted to surprise me with a bit of Dutch he had learned from two backpacking Hollanders that were working for him. One evening he grabbed my hand, looked deep into my eyes and said: “jij hebt dikke benen.” After I’d finished choking and wiping the tears from my cheeks I thanked him and asked what he thought he had just said to me. A bit uneasy he replied: “Well, it means that you have got gorgeous eyes, doesn’t it?” Jesus, those Dutchies must have been rolling around wetting themselves with laughter after they taught him that. All the respect to them for pulling it off with a straight face! He had just said “you have fat legs” with a face as if it was the biggest compliment in the world…

Another one that fits right into this slot is my colleague’s Cambodian friend that was living in Auckland. She spoke no English and complained she was having trouble getting off crowded buses. She didn’t know how to say “excuse me” so made arm gestures trying to get people to move to the sides. Often this wasn’t noticed or understood which meant she was unable to get off the bus on time. Her mischievous friend explained that she should say “kiss me, kiss me” as she was trying to get off the bus: this means “excuse me” and people will move to the side. She did exactly that. People still didn’t really move to the side for her, and one man with an apparent sense of humour actually gave her a peck on the cheek after which she indignantly slapped him. Weird rude Western people!

To be continued…