Crap Christmas Card?

The holiday season is approaching, great. I'll happily have the days off, don't get me wrong. But I don't have anything with Christmas or the tacky obligations that come with it, least of all Christmas cards. The compulsory exchange of cards between each other with the exact same message on it every year. It is very impersonal and I refuse to take part in it.

At least a birthday card is bought, written and sent especially for you, somebody remembered it is your day and made that effort for you alone. Christmas cards get sent out in bulk to absolutely everyone in a person’s address book, work environment and neighbourhood, just because that is expected. There is an unwritten protocol when it comes to the Christmas card process that everyone seems to follow.

Step one is to find the corniest tackiest most revoltingly tasteless card possible.
Christmas trees, religious imprints even though you’re not (does Christmas even have anything to do with the bible?) a picture of a fat Santa Claus, snowmen, candy houses and candles. The tackier the better. The one that tops them all is the "personalised" photo card. Christmas tree in the background, the family on the couch, painfully grinning like retarded madmen because the self-timer is taking so long. Of course the family pets are not to be excluded, preferably wearing a Christmas hat or even funnier: antlers! O, the joy, what a crazy family we are.
I’m sorry but they deserve a slap for that, friends or not.

Step two is to write a personal message on these cards. Usually the card itself is already pre-printed with the compulsory “season’s greetings” or “merry Xmas and happy new year” message. This is handy and a huge time saver, because now all that needs to be filled in is the name of the sender. How’s that for a heartfelt genuine act of thoughtfulness! If I would participate in this commercial crap (which I refuse) I would hold on to each year’s cards, in the next year draw two arrows between the “from” and “to”, and send it back to the original sender. The year after that they can just white out the arrows and send it to me again. Brilliant.

The final step of the entire process is to send your horrendous card to absolutely every single person that you are even remotely acquainted with. Friends, family, neighbours, colleagues that you see every day, vague acquaintances, pub mates, the paperboy, the bus driver, your GP, everyone.

Fortunately every now and then you find a gem between the (s)crap. One of the better Christmas cards I have seen was a torn scrap of cardboard, folded in two, which said:

Money's short
times are hard
Here's your fuckin'
Christmas card.
Refreshingly different to merry Christmas, is my opinion.

Another beauty that definitely left its mark was the one pictured below: concept, production and design by my friend Nico. Warning: do not view on a weak stomach. Do NOT watch up close to try and decipher what it is. Keep looking, you'll get it...






COPYRIGHT BY N.J.K